Goblin Tax
A Radio Play for Eight Players and a Small Dragon
by Allen VarneyCAST:
JOHN, a human being
GORDON, ditto
ANN, ditto
PHIL, ditto
ARGON FACTOTUM, a goblin
BINGO "THE SQUEEZE" WIGGIN, a halfling
MANTRAGOR THE DEMON
THE DEMON'S SECRETARY
ROSEBUD, a small dragon (growls only)
(FADE IN: PEOPLE TALKING, PAPERS BEING SHUFFLED, DICE ROLLING. JOHN, GORDON, PHIL, AND ANN, FOUR PEOPLE IN THEIR LATE TEENS, SIT IN JOHN'S LIVING ROOM, ABOUT TO BEGIN ANOTHER SESSION OF THEIR WEEKLY FANTASY ROLEPLAYING GAME. DIALOGUE IS CASUAL AND OVERLAPS CONSIDERABLY. SMOOTH, UPBEAT PACE.) |
| GORDON: | You mean you were just standing there in the hobby shop, minding your own business, and this woman --? |
| JOHN: | Ann, let me see your character's record sheet. |
| PHIL: | Right! She sees me looking at the new rules supplement, you know, four hundred new magic spells -- |
| ANN: | Umm . . . here it is. |
(FX: PAPER RUSTLING. DICE-ROLLING IN BACKGROUNDCONTINUES.)
| PHIL: | -- and she fixes me with a baleful glare and says how dungeon games are awful and violent and tools of the Devil, because you kill people and cast spells and -- |
| GORDON: | (LAUGHS IN DISBELIEF) You're kidding me! A total stranger? really? |
| ANN: | This twenty-sided die is loaded! |
| PHIL: | Ssshh! (TO GORDON) I said, "Ma'am, we don't really kill anything, we'rejust four introverted shleps who --" |
| PHIL: | "-- sit in our living rooms and pretend to be barbarians and wizards, and pretend --" |
| ANN: | This die always rolls "20"! A perfect critical hit, six times in a row, look! |
| PHIL: | Ssshh! Would you shut up? John's not supposed to know about that. I said, "We pretend to fight these evil monsters and look for treasure just for fun --" |
| PHIL: | "--to escape from everyday pressures of life for awhile --" |
| JOHN: | Phil! (CUPS HANDS TO LIPS) Summons for Phil from the astral plane. |
| JOHN: | The loaded die that John's not supposed to know about will be given to John immediately, or John will drop your entire party of brave adventurers through a trap door to the lowest level of John's dungeon. |
| PHIL: | Thank you, John. Here. |
| GORDON: | Are you ready to start yet? |
| PHIL: | Ann, I'm going to dance on your grave. |
| ANN: | (THEATRICALLY) My barbarian serves the cause of justice -- I can do no less myself. |
| GORDON: | So what about the crazy lady? |
| PHIL: | Yeah. So I gave her Lecture Number One, and she's standing there stiff as a board and her lips all tight, and then she took a deep breath and waved the bony finger under my nose, and she said "A day of reck-uh-ning shall come!" |
(ALL LAUGH.)
| GORDON: | People like that should be put in rest homes. |
| JOHN: | People like that should be put in chloroform jars and exhibited. Okay, we're all set for another installment in the great ongoing dungeon adventure. Ann, here's your character sheet back. |
| JOHN: | By the way, that sword you took from the living statue back on the second level --? |
| JOHN: | You've been noticing that as you get further down the corridor on the third level, it's begun muttering to itself. |
| JOHN: | Something about having a holy mission to wipe out every vampire in the entire world. |
| ANN: | -- if it has to kill me to do it. Eh-heh-heh. There's an efreet bound in this blade, isn't there? |
| ANN: | I drop it on the floor! |
| ANN: | I throw it down the hallway! |
| ANN: | I stand like an idiot in the hallway wondering how I got into this mess. |
| PHIL: | Speaking of this mess, I forget exactly where we are. |
| GORDON: | Slipshod! Slipshod! |
| PHIL: | "Slipshod"? We've been in this bloody dungeon for seven weeks, how'm I supposed to keep track of -- |
| ANN: | You're our cleric, you should know this stuff! |
| GORDON: | Yeah! I'm the wizard, I can't be expected to pay attention to little things like where we are. |
| ANN: | And I'm just a dumb swordswoman. |
| PHIL: | With an efreet-sword that wants to fight vampires. |
| ANN: | Nnngh. Don't remind me. |
| JOHN: | Okay, just to bring everyone up to date, I'm sure you all vividly recall running from the party of orcs, dropping food and treasures madly as you fled -- |
| GORDON: | The two-minute mile. |
| JOHN: | -- finally escaping by the handy maneuver of accidentally falling into a ten-foot pit -- |
| PHIL: | -- with the magic mirror at the bottom. It all comes back to me now. |
| ANN: | What was that mirror doing in a pit, anyway? |
| JOHN: | Long story. Stepping through the mirror, you emerged from its counterpart above an altar where twenty-two kobolds were engaged in solemn obeisanceto -- |
| ALL FOUR: | -- the Great Throbbing ZORB! |
| ANN: | (GIGGLING) Kobolds! They got squashed like jellybeans. |
| PHIL: | Did any of the little buggers ever manage to hurt us? |
| GORDON: | Yeah, I took two points of damage right in the old breadbasket. |
| PHIL: | Brave wizard. Wounded by a kobold. |
| GORDON: | I keep telling you, I'm the wizard. I can't be expected to pay attention to little things like -- |
| ANN: | -- like kobolds. Obviously. |
| JOHN: | So you three trounced all twenty-two kobolds and are now standing alone in the altar room. |
| ANN: | It's amazing that an assault on a roomful of monsters sits lightly on my conscience. |
| PHIL: | Aha! "A day of reck-uh-ning --!" |
| JOHN: | Now, to finish the update from last week, you found an ornately-carved wooden chest when you lifted up the altar-stone, and the dumb swordswoman, being dumb, promptly opened the chest. But there were no traps on it -- or there was one, but it had rusted away in centuries past -- and inside you found a scroll. This scroll here, in fact. |
(FX: SMALL BOX OPENING, PAPER RUSTLING.)
| PHIL AND GORDON: | (RAPTLY ADMIRING) Woooooo! |
| ANN: | Wow! You made a real scroll! I'm impressed. |
| JOHN: | Just something I worked up while watching game shows. |
| PHIL: | Look at this! This is parchment. Where did you get parchment? |
| GORDON: | This is your dad's high school diploma, | right? |
| JOHN: | We game-masters have our little secrets. Go ahead and have a look at it. |
(FX: PARCHMENT BEING UNROLLED. ADMIRING MURMURS.)
| ANN: | Faded, ancient writing! |
| GORDON: | Light verse! (INTONING) "From misty reaches past our ken, From newdimensions close to ours, I summon to the world of men a creature from beyond the stars." |
(FX: "FWOOSH!" -- SOUND OF KITCHEN MATCH IGNITING, SLOWED DOWN AND AMPLIFIED. SPEED UP THE PACE HERE.)
| PHIL, ANN, GORDON, JOHN: | (YELPS OF SURPRISE) |
| BINGO: | (FILTERED, OTHERWORLDLY VOICE) Where am I? |
| DRAGON: | (LIKEWISE) HAARNK! |
| ANN: | Where'd they come from? |
(FX: BLOWING SOUND.)
| JOHN: | Watch out, it's breathing fire! |
| BINGO: | Please -- help me! (TO DRAGON:) Rosebud! Naughty, naughty! Don't breathe fire on the nice humans! |
| GORDON: | John! This is terrific! How'd you do it? |
| JOHN: | (MUFFLED) Me? You think if I'd planned this I'd be behind the couch? |
| BINGO: | Please -- I mean you no harm! You must save me from my pursuer! |
| PHIL: | Wait a minute, what's going on? What are you? |
| GORDON: | John, come out from behind the couch. |
| BINGO: | "What" am I? I'm a halfling, of course. Bingo Wiggin the halfling, at your service. Haven't you ever seen a halfling before? |
| ANN: | A halfling? You mean like a hobbit? Well -- you're short and cute and you've got the big furry feet, but -- |
| PHIL: | The three-piece suit. It doesn't fit the image. |
| GORDON: | Nice vest, though. |
| ANN: | Is this really a dragon? It's not much bigger than a dog! |
(FX: FLAPPING OF LARGE WINGS.)
| GORDON: | It's flying out to the back yard. Look! It's eating a flower-bush! |
| JOHN: | What? Get away from there, you stupid lizard! (VOICE FADES INTO DISTANCE.) Those are my mother's prize gardenias! |
| BINGO: | Please, never mind about Rosebud, he's just my pet dragonet. He loves flowers. But I, I desperately need your help! |
| ANN: | Why? You said you were being pursued. . . . |
| BINGO: | Yes, yes, by an evil agent of darkness! I was in flight from him even when I appeared here so mysteriously. I was attempting an ordinary Spell of Transference when a gateway seemed to open in the air before me, and I heard the words of a magic spell summoning me to this place. Perhaps it will provide me the refuge I so urgently seek! |
| ANN: | You poor thing. Who's chasing you? And why? |
| BINGO: | A goblin! An evil, unholy goblin, an emissary of a nameless evil power. I am only a poor, innocent halfling, an arbitrary victim singled out for an undeserved punishment (SLOW FADE INTO BACKGROUND WHILE SUBSEQUENT CONVERSATION BETWEEN JOHN, GORDON, AND PHIL PLAYS OUT IN FOREGROUND), and hounded day and night, with never a moment's rest. It has tried my spirit, truly, but perhaps with the help of you kind humans I will be able to gain refuge for myself and Rosebud, my poor innocent dragonet, and the evil plot of the goblin and his awful master will be foiled at last by the just intervention of aid from another world. Oh, it makes my little halfling heart glad to think that justice will triumph and the goblin be vanquished, if only you will help! |
(FOLLOWING CONVERSATION PLAYS IN FOREGROUND WHILE PREVIOUS SPEECH IS BARELY HEARD IN BACKGROUND.)
| GORDON: | John, what's going on here? |
| JOHN: | It seems to be an abridgement of adjacent dimensional planes. |
| GORDON: | (BEAT) John, what's going on here? |
| JOHN: | Apparently there's some kind of parallel magical dimension next to ours, inhabited by halflings and goblins and dragons. And when Gordon read that summoning poem, at the same time this halfling was trying a spell on his side, they must have combined to open a rift between the dimensions and let him through. |
| ANN: | Of course we'll help you, Bingo. What can we do? |
| BINGO: | Oh, I knew I could trust you! |
| GORDON: | Now, wait a minute. . . . |
| ANN: | Come on, Gordon, aren't we dungeon adventurers? Didn't you want dash and romance and heroic exploits, bravely facing down evil and sorcery? |
| PHIL: | -- how big is this goblin? |
| GORDON: | And can he get here the same way Bingo did? |
| PHIL: | What do you think, John? Can he? |
(FX: FWOOSH!)
| ARGON: | (FILTERED, OTHERWORLDLY, TOUGH VOICE) Bingo "The Squeeze" Wiggin,you're under arrest! |
| BINGO: | Don't listen to him! He speaks only lies! Kill him where he stands! |
| ARGON: | Humans, eh? Using humans as aides and accomplices, that's a felony, Squeeze. You're looking at thirty-to-fifty. |
| GORDON: | You don't sound like a goblin. |
| ANN: | You don't look like a goblin. |
| ARGON: | By the by, you four humans are under arrest too, for aiding and abetting the escape of a known felon. And just how should I look, lady? |
| ANN: | Well, you're green, and you've got the bald head and long pointed ears -- |
| PHIL: | -- and the skeletal build and black fingernails -- |
| GORDON: | -- but the trenchcoat and slouch hat. No. It doesn't work. |
| BINGO: | Slay him! He serves a dark power! I am helpless without your aid! |
| ARGON: | You're not fooling anybody with the "helpless hobbit" act, Squeeze. Here, everybody read one of these cards. They've got your rights on them. |
| ARGON: | Lieutenant Argon Factotum of the Greater Zayara Criminal Justice Bureau, here to arrest one Bingo "The Squeeze" Wiggin, known racketeer and godfather in the Halfling Mafia. |
| BINGO: | Lies! All lies! Besides, he has no jurisdiction! |
| ARGON: | Tell it to the judge, Squeeze! |
| JOHN: | Wait, what's the charge? |
| ARGON: | The same one we got Frodo on: tax evasion! |
(GENERAL STIR, AD LIB.)
| BINGO: | You'll never take me alive, greenhead! |
| GORDON: | He's heading for the back yard! |
| BINGO: | Rosebud, here baby! |
(FX: FLAPPING WINGS, RECEDING.)
(FX: "OOF!" SOUNDS FROM PHIL AND BINGO,THUDS.)
| ANN: | He scared Rosebud away. |
| ARGON: | That dragon is evidence. Get it! |
| DRAGON: | (VERY DISTANT) hnnnrrkk. . . . |
| ARGON: | Say, human, that was a nice tackle. Very dumb, Wiggin. Resisting arrest just puts another five years on your sentence. |
| JOHN: | Look at those gardenias. My Mom will kill me! |
| PHIL: | Forget the gardenias, John. She'll understand when you tell her what happened. |
| JOHN: | Tell me, Phil, what happened? |
| PHIL: | Why, through no fault of your own the gardenias were -- (REALIZING) -- were eaten by a small fire-breathing dragon. Hmmm. |
| JOHN: | She'll put me in a chloroform jar and exhibit me. |
| ARGON: | As long as I'm sitting here on your back, Bingo, why don't I read you your rights aloud. Wouldn't want to get caught up on a technicality, would we? |
| BINGO: | I'll waive the reading of my rights. I'll beat this rap anyway, I always have before. |
| ANN: | (DISAPPOINTED) Bingo. . . . |
| ARGON: | Ah, Bingo, Bingo. It never fails, does it? A cheap hood from the seamy side of the Shire works his way up through the underworld, monopolizes the pipeweed trade, does a hefty black-market business in mithril-armor and dwarf-hammers -- |
| BINGO: | I don't know what you're talking about. |
| ARGON: | -- organizes a protection racket along the entire Ganrat Coast, using Invisible Zombies as your muscle -- |
| BINGO: | I'm sure you had fun making this up, Argon? |
| ARGON: | -- bribing every Interior official from the Secretary on down to the measly park rangers, to let you tear down the Golden Forest of Enchanted Dreams and put up condominiums -- |
| BINGO: | That was a legitimate business deal! |
| ARGON: | -- and finally breaking into the big time with a high-level government blackmail scandal involving pornographic magic mirrors featuring the daughter of the Secretary of Thaumaturgy! |
| BINGO: | (HARD ON THAT) Oh, you liar! I was simply providing a service to lonely elected officials. |
| ANN: | (DISAPPOINTED AGAIN) Oh, Bingo. . . . |
| BINGO: | Don't believe him, honey, it's all a trump. If you'd seen the girl, you'd know what I mean. She wouldn't rate a second stare from a gorgon. |
| ARGON: | So you do all this, Squeeze, and finally make it to the top, and you've got the smarts and the savvy to cover your tracks and come out clean as an elf on everything we throw at you, and then you go and get tripped up on some stupid little thing like species tax evasion. Poetic justice, huh? |
| ARGON: | Yeah. What, you never heard of it? |
| BINGO: | Haven't you caught on yet? This is a whole new world, baldfoot! From the way they've been talking it looks like there's nothing but humans here. |
| ARGON: | All humans? Gee, that's depressing. Well, where Bingo and I hail from, there's all different types of folks, and you're taxed according to your species. The better the species, the higher the tax you pay every year. If you miss your tax payment, you get busted down a species or two -- and that's what was going to happen to our friend Bingo here, wasn't it, Squeeze? |
| BINGO: | I forgot to mail the check. |
| ARGON: | Sure. Three years in a row. Well, by the time we caught up with him, Bingo was scheduled to be knocked down two grades, down to the very lowest kind of intelligent species. And in the Halfling Mafia they wouldn't like that; they're not tall, but they're very proud. So Wiggin took it on the lam -- and that was five years ago now, hmm, Squeeze? |
| BINGO: | I've got nothing to say. |
| GORDON: | Umm -- what is the lowest grade of species? |
| ARGON: | (ABSENTLY) Human beings. Uh, no offense. |
| PHIL: | (SIGHS) And how do they rank above us? |
| ARGON: | Well, just above humans there's the kobolds and the gnomes together, and above them is us, the goblings and the halflins -- I mean -- well, and above us you got your dwarves and giants, then your centaurs, your wyvern and griffin and phoenix, then your elves, and then at the top, of course, you got your dragons and your newscasters. The bit with the gnomes may change, though, now that they've started agitating for their civil rights and all that. |
| JOHN: | Do my fellow humans notice anything missing from this picture? |
| ANN: | You mean like romance? |
| ARGON: | Sorry to disappoint you, kid. Maybe you've got plenty of valiant heroes and glamourous derring-do in your backward dimension, but most of us, we slog through from day to day, I guess, and try not to bump into too many others. Of course there's always halfling lice like Bingo who want to squash things for everybody else. |
| BINGO: | Speaking of squashing, will you let me up? |
| ARGON: | Why sure. You don't make a very comfy seat anyway, Squeeze. But first just allow me to relieve you of this attractive Ring of Invisibility on your right hand, a ring which I have reason to believe has been fenced -- |
| ARGON: | -- and also your infamous enchanted blackjack. No, no, don't reach for it -- I'll find it myself. |
| BINGO: | Right back pocket. Rrrr! |
| ARGON: | And here you are, upsy-daisy. You won't do anything unwise, that might force me to encyst you five feet underground, will you? |
| BINGO: | I am a law-abiding citizen. I merely wish to draw aside with this lovely human creature and make my farewells -- as a gentleman of brief, but deep, acquaintance. May I speak with you apart, my dear? |
| ANN: | Oh come on, Gordon, it's all right. (ASIDE) You're not jealous of a little munchkin like him, are you? |
| GORDON: | (ASIDE) Don't let him fondle your knees. |
| ANN: | Okay, Bingo, we can talk over there. |
(BEAT)
| JOHN: | But listen, Lieutenant, haven't you got neat magical things in your world, like, oh -- |
| PHIL: | Gems of Dazzling Energy? |
| JOHN: | Wizards throwing fireballs? |
| ARGON: | If you ask me personally, I got the lowdown from my brother-in-law in the civil service that there's a terrific love potion that they could put on the market tomorrow, but the lousy Potion Administration has to determine if there's any "harmful side effects." There's an energy gem that some power company uses in Lesser Koruba -- but it's picketed all the time by crazy anti-gem environmentalists who think it's going to blow up. And who wants fireballs? They just pollute the air. |
| GORDON: | And I suppose all the evil monsters have been wiped out for centuries, right? Vampires and like that -- |
| ARGON: | Hey! I'll remind you that vampires are an endangered species, covered by the Undead Protection Act! |
| ARGON: | (SUDDENLY WISTFUL) I don't know; sometimes, when I listen to the oracle going to work in the morning, and I hear about how the flying carpet controllers are going on strike, or how yet another food additive is found to cause demonic possession, or how more and more schoolchildren are turning into birds, just for cheap thrills, and then becoming hopelessly addicted to suet -- I tell you, it makes me long for some unspoiled wilderness, untouched by civilization's magic. Someplace like this, maybe. I might think about retiring here. |
| JOHN, PHIL, GORDON: | Uhhh. . . . |
| ANN: | (DISTANT AT FIRST, GROWING LOUDER) Why, you furry-toed little pervert!
(FX: SHE SLAPS HIS FACE.) |
| BINGO: | Oww! All you had to do was say "no"! |
| GORDON: | You creepy mythical creature, I'd like to fry you with -- with a bolt of lightning! |
| ARGON: | Hey! You got a permit for that lightning? |
| BINGO: | It was just a legitimate business proposition. |
| ANN: | It's okay, Gordon. Don't get mad. |
| GORDON: | -- whatever, didn't you want to take this fugitive away back to your own world? And get him out of our hair? |
| ARGON: | Right, time to leave. But if you'll recall, you four are under arrest too -- |
| ARGON: | -- of course, considering the circumstances, and seeing as how you prevented an earlier escape attempt by the accused -- well, as a field operative I have certain latitude in these matters -- |
| ANN: | You're letting us go? |
| ARGON: | I guess so, yeah. It keeps down the paperwork, and I don't know if you could even get through this gateway we used. If it's anything like the automatic tollgate portals in Zayara, we have to go back through in the order we came -- |
| ARGON: | So it's heave-ho for Squeeze here first. Right, Squeeze? Count of three. One, two -- |
| ARGON: | On the count of three, you jump. One -- |
| BINGO: | I'm sorry, I still can't hear you. |
| BINGO: | It must be a sudden recurrence of an old inner-ear difficulty. Amazing -- I can see your lips moving, but I can't hear a sound. |
| ARGON: | Squeeze, if you don't go through that gate and let me follow, I'm going to sit on you 'til you starve! |
| BINGO: | Go ahead, flatfoot, my back can last longer | than your -- |
| JOHN: | (CUTTING HIM OFF) Hold it, Lieutenant, there must be some other way of doing this, of getting you both back. Try going first. Or both at once. |
| ARGON: | Let's see: Hnngh! Uurngh! Urk! Nope, no good. |
| ANN: | What are we going to do with them? |
| GORDON: | Maybe we could have them bronzed. |
| JOHN: | That's not funny. Let's see, we can't use that summoning poem, or we'll just end up with who-knows-what-else coming over. Say, Argon, any chance we could get the people on your side of the gate to open it? |
| ARGON: | Sure. You appear before the Interdimensional Planning Commission board and tell them your proposal, and if they like it they recommend you to the appropriate High Council subcommittee -- |
| GORDON: | (UNDER HIS BREATH) Oh, great. |
| ARGON: | --and if you lobby harder than a dwarf they'll let you through to a couple of months of hearings before the main Committee -- |
| ANN: | (UNDER HER BREATH) This is depressing. |
| ARGON: | --and if they okay it, it's posted for ninety days before the Supreme Sorcerer's chambers, where any public-minded citizen can voice objections -- |
| JOHN: | Look, skip the red tape, okay? |
| ARGON: | Well, there's lots more after that, plus environmental impact statements and zoning regulations, so without going into detail, as a rough guess-timate you're talking six years. |
| ANN: | Could we put them in a circus? |
| ARGON: | There's only one way to open a gate immediately. |
| ARGON: | You have to summon a demon. |
| JOHN, GORDON, PHIL: | (VERY MEEKLY) Oh. |
| ANN: | (ALSO MEEK) Are, uh, real demons -- are they anything like the ones in our game? |
| BINGO: | Hee-hee! Tell her, Argon. |
| ARGON: | Well, I don't know. In your game, are demons immensely powerful creatures of pure magic -- |
| BINGO: | -- who will just as soon turn you into a toad as do what you ask them, and maybe destroy your city in the bargain? |
| JOHN: | Well, people, what do you think? |
| GORDON: | I have lots of ambitions, but turning into a toad has never been one of them. |
| BINGO: | A purple toad, with fringes of hair on the sides! |
| ARGON: | Shut up, Squeeze. Demons are high-level. They have a lot of power, and all the right connections, and nobody seems to care if they play by the rules. And for opening a gate, you'll need a really top-salary demon, like Mantragor or Balmoriac. |
| JOHN: | You play the cleric in our game. If we can actually summon one of these demons -- |
| PHIL: | Assuming we want to! |
| JOHN: | -- you'll have the best chance. Here, look through this rulebook and find a good, polite, unpretentious enchantment for bringing a really major demon. |
| ANN: | Phil, we've got no choice! |
| PHIL: | Let the goblin do it! |
| ARGON: | Me? You think if I had that kind of pull I'd still be just a lieutenant? |
| GORDON: | You're the cleric, Phil. You have to do it. |
| JOHN: | Either that or we're stuck with these clowns. |
| ANN: | A green detective with pointy ears -- |
| GORDON: | -- and Middle-earth's answer to Nathan Detroit! |
| JOHN: | Do you want to unleash them on an unsuspecting world? |
| PHIL: | All right! Okay! Don't badger me. I'm just uncomfortable about dealing with someone who might feel like transporting us to the planet Neptune. Let's see. . . . |
(FX: PAGE-FLIPPING.)
| BINGO: | ("HELPFULLY") Or he could bring the planet Neptune here! |
| ARGON: | Shut up. You won't scare them any more than they already are. |
| PHIL: | Here's the spell -- "Summon Level Six Demon." Mantragor, I guess. (GULPS.) Well, here we go. |
| BINGO: | No! Don't do it! He'll make us all into hermit crabs! |
| PHIL: | Let's see now -- "Firepits of Chernobog, belch forth your awful flames! All deep and vasty pits of eldritch wizardry, shriek the Earth's despair!" |
(FX: DISTANT RUMBLING.)
| PHIL: | (CONTINUED) Uh -- "Tumult of storm-tossed oceans, enwrap yourself in demon flesh and engulf the living world!" |
(FX: DEEPER RUMBLINGS; WIND; DISTANT THUNDER.)
| PHIL: | (CONTINUED) Umm. Should we reconsider --? |
| ARGON: | Keep going! It's too late to stop now! |
| PHIL: | Uh -- "Let the four winds meet in hurricanes and tumble the shattered pillars of the firmament!" |
(FX: CRESCENDO OF WIND AND RUMBLINGS. REALLY POUR IT ON HERE.)
| PHIL: | (CONTINUED) "By Fire and Earth and Water and Air, let the cosmos wail the name: Mantragor! I name you, Mantragor! I summon you, Mantragor! I bid you appear, Mantragor, to do my will!" |
(FX: HUGE EXPLOSIONS AND "FWOOSH!" THEN SUDDEN SILENCE.)
| SECRETARY: | (FILTERED, NASAL, SCRAWNY) Can I help you? |
(LONG PAUSE)
| ARGON: | Are you Mantragor the demon? |
| SECRETARY: | No, I am Mr. Mantragor's secretary. I'm sorry, but Mr. Mantragor is unavailable. |
| ANN: | (UNDER HER BREATH) My head aches.... |
| GORDON: | (UNDER HIS BREATH) I feel dizzy.... |
| JOHN: | (UNDER HIS BREATH) I need to lie down.... |
| PHIL: | Heyyyy . . . Hey! I summoned Mantragor, and I wanna see Mantragor! |
| SECRETARY: | Do you have an appointment? |
| SECRETARY: | Mr. Mantragor is a busy demon. He can't be expected to respond to every crackpot summoning. |
| ARGON: | Ahem! Tell Mantragor this is police business. I'm Lieutenant Argon Factotum of Criminal Justice and I need -- |
| SECRETARY: | (CUTTING HIM OFF) Mr. Mantragor does not associate with police officers. |
| ARGON: | I'm not asking him on a date. I just need help in transporting a known felon, one Bingo Wiggin, back to our -- |
| SECRETARY: | Would this be . . . Bingo "The Squeeze" Wiggin? |
| ARGON: | As a matter of fact, yeah, and I need -- |
| SECRETARY: | One moment, please. |
(FX: "HSOOWF!" -- "FWOOSH!"SOUND IN REVERSE.)
| JOHN: | (THOUGHTFUL) You know, this is starting to get really strange. |
| ARGON: | That secretary perked right up at your name, Squeeze. |
| BINGO: | Don't look at me with those beady black eyes. I don't mess with demons. |
| PHIL: | Say, this big cheese Mantragor looks like nothing but a glorified politician. I can handle that kind of thing easy! |
| PHIL: | Oh, how terrifying can a guy be that employs a wart like that secretary? |
(FX: ENORMOUS, AMPLIFIED "FWOOSH!" DEEP THROBBING OF RESTRAINED POWER. GASPS OF SURPRISE AND AWE.)
| MANTRAGOR: | (INCREDIBLY DEEP, RESONANT BARITONE) All right, where's that squirt Bingo! |
| PHIL: | (AWESTRUCK) Ohhhhh, golly. |
| MANTRAGOR: | Come on, snap it up! You never saw a pillar of fire before? |
| ARGON: | H-here! He's right here! |
| MANTRAGOR: | You! You're Bingo Wiggin? |
| MANTRAGOR: | Did you or did you not engineer Illyria's recent embargo on salamander eyes against Western Kharwan, in order to drive up prices on the black market? |
| BINGO: | That was a legitimate business --! |
| MANTRAGOR: | (CUTS HIM OFF) YES or NO? |
| MANTRAGOR: | Your little escapade made it impossible for General Potions, Inc., to obtain supplies it needed for producing Rings of Freezing Cold and the very popular Curse of Inglevar's Unstoppable Dance. The company went bankrupt in five months. |
| BINGO: | Laws of the marketplace! Supply and demand! |
| MANTRAGOR: | Were you aware that I was the principal stockholder in General Potions, Inc.? |
| MANTRAGOR: | I've been meaning to take care of you for quite a while now. Azrabub, my secretary, was alerted to signal me immediately, should your whereabouts become known. This has interrupted an important meeting with the Assistant Celestial Director of Supernova Production in the northeastern quadrant of our galaxy, and I intend to see that it was worth it. You -- the cop. What did you finally nail him on? |
| ARGON: | Species tax evasion. |
| MANTRAGOR: | Oh-ho. Azrabub! |
(FX: FWOOSH!)
| MANTRAGOR: | Compute back species taxes owed by one Bingo Wiggin. |
(FX: CALCULATOR: BUTTONS PRESSED, BEEPING.)
| MANTRAGOR: | (CONTINUED OVER BACKGROUND FX) No sense bothering the courts with this little to-do. We'll settle it right now. |
| BINGO: | What about my civil rights? |
| MANTRAGOR: | What about them? |
| SECRETARY: | (BACKGROUND FX STOP) Five hundred sixty-seven thousand, two hundred ninety-twogold pieces, plus change. |
| MANTRAGOR: | Mmm-hmm! And that represents a reduction of how many species grades? |
(FX: MORE BEEPING AND BUTTON-PRESSING, BRIEFLY.)
| SECRETARY: | Six hundred forty-seven. |
| MANTRAGOR: | Oooo-kay. Watch this one, folks. |
| BINGO: | Wait a minute -- I want a lawyer! |
(FX: "HSOOWF!" -- "FWOOSH!"PLAYED BACKWARDS.)
| GORDON: | No -- look! There he is, on the carpet! |
| ARGON: | A spider. You turned him into a spider! |
| BINGO: | (HEAVILY FILTERED, HIGH-PITCHED AND "CARTOONY") I still want alawyer! |
| ARGON: | Spiders don't get lawyers, Bingo. One of those loopholes in the legal system. |
| BINGO: | That won't last long, two-legs! I'm still smarter than all of you put together. I'll start a campaign: Civil rights for spiders! Legal representation! Suffrage! Pension benefits! And then I'll -- I mean -- I -- well, I'll get to it. Right now I have this tremendous urge to spin a web and eat my mate. But I'll be back! |
| ARGON: | Don't scuttle away so fast there, Bingo. You're evidence, you know. I'll just put you here in my hat. |
| BINGO: | (FADING) Nooooo. . .! Help meeeeee. . . .! |
| MANTRAGOR: | (OMINOUSLY) Now, who summoned me? |
JOHN, ANN, GORDON, ARGON: HIM!
| MANTRAGOR: | Human, ordinarily I regard those who summon me in the way I would regard a crushed scorpion. However, since this episode let me settle an old score and get a few laughs, I won't have the lot of you torn apart by bears. Okay? |
PHIL, JOHN, ANN, GORDON: (AD LIB) Thank you! Sure!Yeah! (ETC.)
| MANTRAGOR: | In fact, I might be disposed to take care of any little wish you have in mind, purely as a favor. But don't let it get around. What about it? Potions? Wands? Someone you want turned into something? Need a canal dug? |
| JOHN: | (WHISPERING) Hsst! Phil! |
| PHIL: | Oh, yeah. Could you fix the gardenia bushes out in the back yard? |
| MANTRAGOR: | (FX: SNAPPING OF FINGERS) Done. A nice offbeat request. Humans are usuallyboring and predictable, asking for two million dollars in gold bars or something like that. Gardenias -- shows character. Okay, cop, you need to get back home, right? |
| MANTRAGOR: | You'll come back with me. And I'm going to seal the gate behind us. I hate answering summonings at long distance. Oh, do something creative with Wiggin,will you? Like, say, exhibiting him. |
| JOHN: | In a chloroform jar! |
(FX: "HSOOWF!")
| ANN: | And we're still alive! |
| GORDON: | And everybody taken care of. |
| PHIL: | Two million dollars. Two million dollars! In gold! And what did you make me ask for? Gardenias! |
| JOHN: | Uh -- shows character, remember? |
| GORDON: | Hey, look out there! Look at these gardenia bushes! |
| ANN: | Wow . . . they must be thirty feet high! |
| JOHN: | And the blooms, two feet across, easy. And purple. |
| ANN: | Do you realize how much gardeners would pay for seeds from these bushes? |
| PHIL: | We could make a fortune! |
| GORDON: | See? Everybody taken care of after all. |
| DRAGON: | (VERY DISTANT) hnnnrrnnnnkk. . . . |
(BEAT)
ALL FOUR TOGETHER: Rosebud.
| GORDON: | We forgot the dragon. |
| ANN: | Hey, we could sell him to a zoo! |
| GORDON: | Rent him to barbecues. |
| JOHN: | We've got to catch him first. Phil, go out and get a gardenia bloom -- the biggest you can find! |
| JOHN: | Bait! Come on, everyone! |
(FX: DOOR OPENS. THE FOUR RUSH OUT WITH CRIES OF "ADVENTURE!" AD LIB. DOOR SLAMS. MUSIC UP AND FADE OUT.)
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Copyright (C) 1980,1995 Allen Varney.
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